HAPPY FUCKING 65TH BIRTHDAY TO ME! (PART 1)

HAPPY FUCKING 65TH BIRTHDAY TO ME! (PART 1)

It is not my fault that you didn’t tell me. 20 years ago, you were 16 and your father and I would have listened.

“I built a mask of masculinity because as a child you told a doctor I didn’t measure up to the ideal of maleness you thought I should, and wanted him to give me medicine to “fix” me.”

I NEVER said such a thing to your pediatrician. HE said that you were in the (bottom) 10 percentile of “normal” growth. I asked ONE TIME if HGH would bring you up to average height & weight. I was concerned for your health. You were an underweight baby and in the lowest 10% for growth. I was a new mother being told by the doctor that this was of concern. I never thought you didn’t measure up, in any way.

I can’t write any more now. But you have remembered some of these things incorrectly. And you took my comment about how long it’s been to be that I expect you to come here. I don’t, eventho I didn’t know any of these reasons that you don’t come here. I am perfectly happy to come there to see you. And I hope to do that soon, if you still want to see me. I don’t expect you to let me stay there if it’s inconvenient. I’ll get a B&B. I just don’t have the money until I sell the Toyota. I didn’t expect to make you feel guilty because I miss you.]

” It’s upsetting that your takeaway from me writing 949 words about things I know you don’t know about me, is that *I* don’t know *you* better. Upsetting, but not surprising.

I obviously didn’t know her at all. And why should I? She never shared her struggles. She never asked for help to understand what was happening. She refused to participate in discussions that might have given her openings to ask how to find a hookup in Boston questions.

You think you know what’s going on in your children’s life(lives), but you don’t

After going through all of it with Perry, he said that what might have happened is that Ilde is around younger, newly transitioned people (her support group & possibly roommates) who are filling her head with their traumas and she is adopting them as her own. [I have seen it before with my stepdaughter. She transferred all the bad things her biological mother did to her (abuse) to me, like I had done them all to her. ]

I have no excuse with my own child. I thought I did the best I could. I thought I taught her that I was here for her. That she could talk to me about ANYTHING! And then George died. I was traumatized and in shock and didn’t pay enough attention, I guess. I should have not allowed the first partner to stay at our house (Jesse, a 16 yo with an abusive father). I should have taken more control of Ilde’s life and education, instead of allowing her to quit and take the GED. I should have concentrated more on getting her into BCC. I was a wreck and just trying to provide for her and make her life happy. What all parents try to do.

My sister said that when she asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I said, “Not to have another one.” What do you do when the one person on Earth that you live for, cuts you out of their life?

I didn’t get her until she was 10 yo and ruined

BIG 65TH BIRTHDAY! Not a happy one. Two days before, my transgender daughter cut me out of her life. I was devastated. Caught totally by surprise (not anything new as my child has kept me in the dark about so many things she was going through). I have only had three years to adjust to these major changes in her life. She was my son for 33 years and gave me NO clue(s) as to there being an identity crisis.

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